Last year I compiled a piece and titled it “Note to Our Christmas Burgers”. Judging from how it went viral, it is fair to say people liked it. We are in December, again, and our friends and relatives will seek to run away from the biting winter in New York and Dusseldorf and London and head home. We know they will be landing any time prior to December 25 and most of them will be long gone before January 30.
Let’s give them yet another guide as they get ready to invade our space and spoil our ears. My name is Kwame Gyan. Share this with anyone you know who is out there in the diaspora – it doesn’t matter if they will come over this Christmas or not. Let us call this our little warning disguised as a guide for them ahead of their visits to Sikaman (Ghana).
1. Please we still have dumsor just like we did when you last visited us. It has not changed much. In fact, ayɛ serious mpo. If you will be staying in an area where a big government person stays, then you will most likely get more sɔr than dum. But if you will be staying in a hood where there is no big man, ɛnɛye ɛyɛ dum nkoaaa. Please don’t remind us that in Yankee and in Lenden you don’t have dumsor.
We already know (in Sarkodie’s voice).
2. Please we have revised the Dumsorlogy terminologies as well. Dumsor and load shedding don’t mean the same thing. Please contact some man called Dr. Kwabena Donkor. He is the Power Minister and only he knows. Yes, since you have been gone we have created a Ministry of Power. Though his head is not as big as Bola Ray Empire, he has all the figures to tell us why we will have light in future.
You can’t we (say that in Twi).
3. The last time you were here when we said dumsor and light you probably heard of words like Akosombo, Dam, Plant, Generator, and candle. Well, there is a new word – BARGE. Use Google if you haven’t heard it before but I will help you. It is a huge ship which is rented from Turkey and produces small power (like the type that can light a bulb) but drinks 35,000 gallons of fuel per month and costs 9 million USD per month as well…..or something like that.
Naniɛma. You have opened your mouth. Close it.
4. Please the prices of kyinkyinga have changed now. It has gone up by one cedi. The stick they use too has become thick paaa like Sammy Forson’s neck. It is still healthier than the fries and things you eat at McDonald’s and the other one.
If you don’t believe me stop.
5. Please we we know we have lots of potholes on almost every road in Ghana. Stop complaining when your taxi or ride bumps into some. It won’t break the bones in your bortos.
Or you can use Okada. They know how to dodge potholes paaa. Ask Kojo Akoto Boateng of CITI FM.
6. Please the way you mention an area to a taxi driver determines how much he charges you. If you say Osu in italic, the price is different from saying it in regular font.
If you think I’m lying, try it.
7. Please last time you came, $1 was getting you GHS3 and £1 was getting you GHS5 and coins. Now it is 4 and change and
and change respectively. It does not mean you should come and do too known.
After all what…
8. Please we know that most of you can speak English like we do without the ‘arishishrish kontonmire’ nonsense. Don’t disturb our already tired ears. Speak Ghana English. We won’t be impressed.
We have people on Live FM and YFM who talk like you pepeepe so we are used to it.
9. Please, Accra has also developed some. Don’t come here expressing surprise like you are some British villager from somewhere around Brixton visiting ‘the motherland’. Since the last time you came Airport City is changing paaaa. Last year we had Marina Mall, Junction Mall, West Hills Mall, Osu Mall. Now we have Achimota Mall as well and plenty tall tall and big buildings like Francis Doku’s head.
We know we can’t afford to buy them but and so what? After all they are in Ghana.
10. Please the boys, don’t come and take our girls. They naaaa they are not enough for us. The girls too….no the girls you can come and perch with some of the boys. We no bore.
My phone number is 0266XXX419
11. Please, virtually every car on Queens Road in London and downtown in Manhattan can also be found here so please spare us that surprise too. Yes we know that some of the flashy cars are driven by sakawa boys but we no bore.
If you didn’t know, Asamoah Gyan’s cars alone is not small wai.
12. Please if you are bringing gifts bring proper gifts and stop the chocolates that you have been bringing. Why, have you forgotten that Ghana is the global home for cocoa?
We want things that we can use aaaaa na chocolate dieer why!
13. Please the Ghana Police of yesterday is the same as today and will be the same as tomorrow.
Just give them $1 pe. The mere fact that the note has Benjamin’s portrait on it means they will salute you more than JM.
14. Please, you all have apps on your phone that tells you the temperature in Ghana and it was same before you left so stop it already with the ‘Damn Ghana is hot’ nonsense. Get used to it. There is something called global warming. If your London is colder, our Accra is warmer.
Don’t bring winter shoes and coats here and nag.
15. Please do bear in mind that here we like to dress up even if we don’t have money! We ‘spote’ even to funerals. So check yourself and bring some decent clothes so you don’t look odd at special events.
If you wear ‘moke’ to every place, we will laugh at you paa.
16. Please don’t ask us with a frown a hundred times about how it is like to live in Ghana and how you could never do that. You asked us last year and the year before. It has gotten old.
If you didn’t know, we are all managers in Ghana.
17. Please if your flight has not notified you and you also don’t follow Ghana news, let me tell you Kumasi airport has gone international, so those from Ashanti, Bono and Ahafo can now fly straight from Pearson, JFK, Schipol, Heathrow or Gatwick to Oseikrom.
Very soon we will have an aerodrome too in Ho. Oseeeeey Ghana!
18. Please, and yes, we already know you may not be able to account for the GHS after melting your €£$; don’t keep asking us how we survive; kpakpakpa movement is allowed here.
Everybody knows kpakpakpa.
19. Please don’t forget your malaria prophylaxis else your gluteus muscle will have to bear the pain of artemether in a G25 needle without an analgesic; your only consolation will be ”sorry 3y3 wo ya? Kafra.. Kafra.. 3b3 k) wai”.
The mosquitos know us. They don’t know you.
20. Please we have a new, old word in Ghana. It is OPANA. Opana can be anyone you want but if you know you are not competent in whatever, don’t address anyone as Opana.
Opana is Opana.
21. The word INCOMPETENT too has been banned from Ghana for national security reasons.
You haven’t been President before how dare you think of using that word.
22. Please we beg, you guys must not go around buying 1p panties I mean G-strings for our girls when there are sales. There are shops with quality “dross” here or better still they will go manage with the Togolese ones.
GH girls abre ne sales nne3ma
23. Hey the word is HELLO not HELEYI. Don’t be walking around holding bottled water. We all drink some.
“Sha_i_zeh”, Init and Yah must be left in Germany, London and America before you get here.
24. The boys don’t come here flexing your 6 packs. We have all kinds of packs here too. Lexis Bill of Joy FM and Giovani of Starr FM will show you the 6 packs Made in Ghana. Nii Ayi Tagoe and Ruddy Kwakye will show you the 1 pack made over pork and beer. Kwame Gyan and Pasino Man will show you the two packs.
Why you think we too we are not persons anaaa.
25. Please if you are coming to marry ask yourself this question; am I sure he or she is not married already? Some of you people are bad. You want to marry here and marry there so you can eat here and eat there.
Check on your spouse before you say “I do” otherwise….gbozaaa
26. Please when you come and you attend shows and you see us Snapping and things and you act suprise, walahi we will slap you.
Why is our Play Store and Apple Store different from yours?
27. In case you haven’t heard, after years of trying, we’ve finally beaten corruption powerhouses Nigeria and Cameroon in the “Africa’s most corrupt” contest. God willing, next year by this time, we’ll bring the title home and declare a national holiday to celebrate it.
Y3 wo form k3k3
28. You have winter, we have harmattan. You have snow, we have dust. You have poor visibility, so do we.
Massa, the December weather you were born into before you left is still the same. Stop the paa paa no.
My name is Kwame Gyan. Don’t steal without acknowledging. Hope you enjoyed reading.